To genuinely be happy for others. How do you feel about this? I’ve been thinking and analysing it in myself lately, still letting go of old beliefs.
When I was very young, I remember the feeling of envy and/or jealousy would haunt me many times, especially the exact feeling that others were ‘stealing’ ‘my’ dreams. It didn’t matter if those ‘others’ were people close to me that I loved.
I remember lying in bed thinking deeply about this when I was a teenager. I was angry at myself because I felt incapable of feeling genuinely happy for others. I thought there had to be something wrong with me, and I wanted to force myself to feel another way. But I couldn’t truly lie to myself. I knew. I always knew. So I just hid it and suffered in silence, first because of the thought of someone else achieving something I desperately wanted, and second degree suffering when I punished myself for feeling.
Many years after, I look back at this and I am surprised that I haven’t truly felt envy or jealousy in a very very long time. In those moments I thought that was how I would always feel, always chasing after a dream only to see others achieve it, so I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted to be the first one, or really, I just wanted to be different or special.
Now I understand. I see things with the perspective that only time can give. Those feelings stopped chasing me the minute I stopped looking outside for what I wanted. The moment I let go of the expectation of how my life should look like (because I had planned it all when I was a kid and I always used to follow through all my plans). The moment I just let myself truly feel and be, I understood we all have our own way. No comparisons necessarily, only support. We all deserve to be true to ourselves, or at least deserve the opportunity to try.
Now, when I see others happy, I am truly happy. When I see others suffering, I truly want to be there for them if they need me. And when I see someone chasing their dreams with all their willpower and love, I cannot but look in admiration and support.