Anger, of all emotions, is my go-to re-action. Frustration and anger are both the greyness that cloud my judgement sometimes.
Something in me is triggered and jumps at the opportunity to be ‘right’, to ‘win’, to be seen, heard, and especially, to be taken seriously.
And I think at last after so many years I just realised why.
Anger has a way of giving us false clarity of mind.
Anger gives us a purpose towards which to direct our internal emotions, gives us a false purpose blinding us instantly to what is truly happening.
Anger gives me a life jacket to which I can hold on when I ‘think’/’imagine’/’see through anger’ that the world is against me. It makes my reaction ‘valuable’ because I am ‘fighting’ for something.
Now that I see it this way, it makes sense it’s the emotion I carry as my shadow. My longing in my heart is all about finding a reason, a purpose for my existence. Why am I here? Again and again, I don’t understand, I don’t know.
Can’t wait for the next time anger builds up in me so I can observe, experiment and research more. I believe this is an important step towards my own growth, and although I still feel stupid for having my anger reactions for so many years, now I have another way to direct my energy to studying myself again and again.
+++ Reading the book ‘All the Rage’; various authors write about anger and acceptance from Buddhism’s perspective and it has been helping me a lot. I cannot believe I haven’t tackled my anger until now! +++