Nowhere else I’d rather be

My boys, Saylor and Jabulani

There is nowhere else I’d rather be, Here and Now.


•••


Since 2018 I have been struggling with depression and anxiety up to a level I didn’t know before. It became physical. Something i couldn’t believe if it hadn’t happen to me. That realisation changed everything.

For the next 2 years I crawled into the deepest pits of despair, not knowing how or why I should even be alive. I couldn’t think far into my life, I couldn’t even decide where I should go, what i should do… So I did the only thing my strength allowed me to do: I stayed still. I stayed at “home”. Tenerife was the place. We arrived here with the idea of only exploring the island for 3 months… in April it will be 2 years.

I was incapable of moving anymore after the 7 years beforehand where we changed houses, countries and continents every 3 months. My soul was tired. As soon as my external reality froze, I found myself living a deep and profound inner existence that was brought back to life and fueled by my stillness.

I literally have been at home for 2 years. I only went out to walk the doggies really, and for necessary shopping, but I don’t even drive (a fear and a story for another time), so Hinton normally does all that for us. So i have been at home for 2 years, yes, and I have healed almost to the point where I feel at complete peace.

Why? How? In these moments of external despair and change, personally, I am so calm and in my centre. I have died already in my own self, I am not afraid anymore of the Unknown. I do not understand it in a way I can explain it, but I have a knowing, an inner feeling, an intuition, that these 2 years of darkness are my saving grace for now and the future. I know in every single cell of my being, and in every part of my psyche, that everything that happens is a step forward in the evolution of my soul, my Self.

I am not afraid of worldly consequences because I am not afraid of suffering anymore. Once you make your way down into the Underworld and face your own unwanted self, recognise her, honour her, love her, sacrifice knowingly all yourself in favour of your Self, die into the darkness, then rebirth is the only possibility.

Sending love to all.